Food Mascot Basketball Team
As the NBA finals are set to start, I for one could not care less. I have done the research (and made some assumptions) on Food Brand Mascots to assemble a basketball team that would blow the doors of LeBron James and his poser Tune Squad. I will give their physical attributes, a simple assessment, and a NBA comparison. Lets get started!
Point Guard — Captain Horatio Magellan Crunch
Physical Attributes — 5'5 and dressed like a pirate
Assessment — Check the sword and blunderbuss at the door and watch the Captain rain down 3s. Captain in name and Captain of this team.
NBA Comparison — A less athletic Steph Curry
Shooting Guard — The Kool-Aid Man
Physical Attributes — 6'0 and weighs 11,000 pounds (not a typo)
Assessment — He uses that weight to slash to the paint. Not much range on the outside but this guy gets to the bucket. Due to his size and aggressive diabetes, his minutes are limited.
NBA Comparison — N/A…he weighs about the same as an African Bush Elephant
Small Forward— Julius “Mr. P” Pringles
Physical Attributes — 6'4 and a gigantic mustache
Assessment — Don’t let bow tie this man insists on wearing fool you, he is major scoring threat on this squad. A silky smooth mustache, to go with that silky smooth jumper.
NBA Comparison — Julius “Dr. J” Erving
Power Forward— Tony the Tiger
Physical Attributes — 6'3 and built like a truck
Assessment — Athletic enough to get to the rim and rebound, and badass enough to get tossed out of the game for trying to fight literally everyone on the other team…at the same time.
NBA Comparison — Ben Wallace
Center — Quaker Oats Man (Larry)
Physical Attributes — 6'8 and very old
Assessment — The big guy in the middle. Always seems to be at the right place at the right time, much like the old gym teacher that is somehow good at every sport. His game is as bland as oatmeal. There is a reason it is only eaten in prison and by people that are 200 years old.
NBA Comparison —Bill Russell but less accomplished
Bench Center —Green Giant
Physical Attributes — 55'5 (Also not a typo)
Assessment — Much like vegetables, this guy is not the first choice. He is a giant, but he can barely walk and chew gum. More on the team for intimidation and garbage time minutes.
NBA Comparison — That college guy who is 7'7 and plays for like New Mexico State or some team that will lose by 65 in the first round of the NCAA tournament.
Bench Shooting Guard —Chester Cheetah
Physical Attributes — 5'4 and fast
Assessment —This is the second scoring threat on the team behind Mr. Pringles. He is an absolute baller of a player but has trouble playing organized basketball as well as a humongous cocaine addiction. Fills in for Kool-Aid Man when he loses feeling in his feet due to aforementioned diabetes.
NBA Comparison — N/A…he weighs about the same as an African Bush Elephant
